You have to put your foot down about how often. One weekend in four is the absolute max. The rest of the time, he can take them out for a day and if he wants to spend longer with the little dears, he can take them to a Travel Lodge. Personally, this wicked stepmother only allows Hans and Grizelda and dear little Cinders to stay a full weekend every two months. But if you get it right, they certainly won`t want to come more often.
A worm in the bed, a boiled spider in a drink, some of those furry sticky burrs you can buy in the florists stuck inside the arm of a jumper, and they`ll get the picture p.d.q.
Find out what foods they hate and serve those. Never have sweets, crisps or biscuits in the cupboards. Run out of their favourite drinks. Make sure that the radiators have broken down in their room. Little things like this mean so much - they will rush home to tell their mother how vile you are and make her promise they won`t have to stay over again for a very long time.
NEXT TIME
Some ideas on how to have rainy day fun.
Monday, 12 March 2007
YOU AND THEM
OK, make sure it is that way round from Day 1. YOU comes first. Let`s be clear though. Their father loves them more than he loves you, however much he protests. They came first, they are flesh of his flesh and all that crap. He loves them not equally with you but far far more than. He always will and if you think y0u can change that, don`t even go there. You can`t. No, your plans have to be on quite another front.
He may love them more but to make up for that be sure that he gives you more..more of everything else. Money. Attention. Clothes. Outings. Holidays. Space. Time. You deserve it. You took on - or half took on-his brats didn`t you ?
They know he loves them more than he loves you, no matter what he says. They`re on sure ground here.
But what about you ? Do they know if you love them or not ? Depends how old they are of course. I`m not talking tinies here. Tinies can`t help themselves. No, it is the over 9s I mean. I married into my stepchildren when they were 9, 11 and 14. They sure could help themselves but they sure didn`t know about me and I make sure I keep it that way. Be an unknown quantity. Keep them guessing.
One day, take them out, buy them what they want to eat and not what their parents say they should have - which means Macdonalds, Macdonalds, Macdonalds every time and anything containing fruit and veg is a no-no. Be sweet to them. Lull them into a false sense of security. Stuff with them all the sweets they ask for afterwards.
They might just believe you like them after all.
They have a nasty shock coming don`t they ?
Haven`t they heard of Gingerbread houses lost in deep, dark forests ?
You have. You know what tomorrow will bring. But they don`t. You get them to trust you first. Notice I emphatically did NOT say 'love', or even 'like'. But their trust is the most useful thing a Wicked Stepmother can acquire. Exploit it while it lasts.
He may love them more but to make up for that be sure that he gives you more..more of everything else. Money. Attention. Clothes. Outings. Holidays. Space. Time. You deserve it. You took on - or half took on-his brats didn`t you ?
They know he loves them more than he loves you, no matter what he says. They`re on sure ground here.
But what about you ? Do they know if you love them or not ? Depends how old they are of course. I`m not talking tinies here. Tinies can`t help themselves. No, it is the over 9s I mean. I married into my stepchildren when they were 9, 11 and 14. They sure could help themselves but they sure didn`t know about me and I make sure I keep it that way. Be an unknown quantity. Keep them guessing.
One day, take them out, buy them what they want to eat and not what their parents say they should have - which means Macdonalds, Macdonalds, Macdonalds every time and anything containing fruit and veg is a no-no. Be sweet to them. Lull them into a false sense of security. Stuff with them all the sweets they ask for afterwards.
They might just believe you like them after all.
They have a nasty shock coming don`t they ?
Haven`t they heard of Gingerbread houses lost in deep, dark forests ?
You have. You know what tomorrow will bring. But they don`t. You get them to trust you first. Notice I emphatically did NOT say 'love', or even 'like'. But their trust is the most useful thing a Wicked Stepmother can acquire. Exploit it while it lasts.
Sunday, 11 March 2007
THEY HATE ME
Well of COURSE they hate you. You married their father didn`t you ? You took the place, at least in some respects and depending on your family situation, of their mother.
Your very first lesson as a WS is how to make them hate you more. That is your aim. Do not listen to advice about trying to win them round, get them to love you... de blah. You never will. That is not to be your aim. The world is full of advice books about how to be a Good Stepmother, how to play your cards right, how to be a shining example of One Big Happy Family.
You do not want that. Happy Families suck. Remember. Write it down if you have to. (This autumn the first Wicked Stepmother Diary will be on sale, so will be able to write it down in that.)
My stepchildren have hated me from pre-nup days to the present. I pride myself on it. Indeed, I pride myself on now being a Wicked StepGranny.. (Handbook under construction.)
I can teach you how to succeed beyond your wildest wickedest dreams. So hang on in there. In my next blog, I will tell you something about my Horrid, Hateful Disfunctional StepFamily.
Meanwhile,
WICKEDSTEPMOTHER TIP OF THE DAY.
Never under any circumstances weaken and ask them to help you have fun making a cake. You do not want them to have fun and you want to shut them out of the kitchen while you are making it. (You can let them back in later to make the cup of tea they are going to bring you on a tray.)
You want to make that cake all by yourself with a merry cackle so that you can poison it. Later you will place it on the table in front of them with a merry cackle and a gloating smile. Recipe tomorrow. The right old-fashioned ingredients should have them puking all night.
Your very first lesson as a WS is how to make them hate you more. That is your aim. Do not listen to advice about trying to win them round, get them to love you... de blah. You never will. That is not to be your aim. The world is full of advice books about how to be a Good Stepmother, how to play your cards right, how to be a shining example of One Big Happy Family.
You do not want that. Happy Families suck. Remember. Write it down if you have to. (This autumn the first Wicked Stepmother Diary will be on sale, so will be able to write it down in that.)
My stepchildren have hated me from pre-nup days to the present. I pride myself on it. Indeed, I pride myself on now being a Wicked StepGranny.. (Handbook under construction.)
I can teach you how to succeed beyond your wildest wickedest dreams. So hang on in there. In my next blog, I will tell you something about my Horrid, Hateful Disfunctional StepFamily.
Meanwhile,
WICKEDSTEPMOTHER TIP OF THE DAY.
Never under any circumstances weaken and ask them to help you have fun making a cake. You do not want them to have fun and you want to shut them out of the kitchen while you are making it. (You can let them back in later to make the cup of tea they are going to bring you on a tray.)
You want to make that cake all by yourself with a merry cackle so that you can poison it. Later you will place it on the table in front of them with a merry cackle and a gloating smile. Recipe tomorrow. The right old-fashioned ingredients should have them puking all night.
Saturday, 10 March 2007
THE WICKED STEPMOTHER`S HANDBOOK
I am a wicked stepmother, rather a successful one now, but it took me a long time to get here, I made a lot of mistakes on the way and I feel there are plenty of stepmothers out there who need some guidance. After all, why be just a plain old ordinary stepmother when you could, with a little help and advice and some practice, become a truly Wicked one.
I only wish I had had this guide when I was starting out as a Stepmother.
In the coming days, I`ll fill you in on myself and my situation, introduce you to the little buggers and jump right in there with the advice and guidance.
After all, Grannies get Guides on How to be Good which seem like a lot of egg-sucking to me. It`s far far more tricky being a Wicked Stepmother than a Good Granny, I can tell you.. and oh so much more rewarding.
That`s it for now. But remember, a poisoned apple a day sends the stepchildren away.
I only wish I had had this guide when I was starting out as a Stepmother.
In the coming days, I`ll fill you in on myself and my situation, introduce you to the little buggers and jump right in there with the advice and guidance.
After all, Grannies get Guides on How to be Good which seem like a lot of egg-sucking to me. It`s far far more tricky being a Wicked Stepmother than a Good Granny, I can tell you.. and oh so much more rewarding.
That`s it for now. But remember, a poisoned apple a day sends the stepchildren away.
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